Thoughts & Feelings

Holidays & Anxiety

Hello My Lovely Readers…


You may have read my last post about myself and Mr T’s holiday to Agadir, Morocco, where we stayed in a beautiful Riu Palace Hotel, if not, check out Our First Holiday, to see some pretty pictures of Agadir, and mainly the stunning hotel.

This post is about how my anxieties didn’t disappear just because I was on holiday, but how I still managed to enjoy myself and spend some quality time with the brilliant Mr T!


I Did Stuff!


I actually wore a swimsuit. Outside. In front of people.

Okay, so I had swim shorts on to cover my thighs, but I can’t even begin to tell you how much anxiety I had over this before going. But you know what? No one looked, no laughed, no actually paid any attention at all – I had no idea why I thought I would be the most interesting person at the pool and everyone would stare, but I did. I didn’t actually get up to get myself a drink, Mr T did all that for me (he’s very understanding), but I did relax enough sunbathe, read and listen to my music (along with drinking a few mojitos… who knew I liked those?! Refreshing!)

I drank alcohol. Really.

So, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before, but I’m pretty tee-total, it’s very rare for me to feel comfortable enough to have a drink. Drinking to me means losing control, which I don’t like to do. I know if you just have one or two, then it’s fine, but I still don’t particularly like it, however, pn holiday it started with a bottle of wine at dinner – which we didn’t do again, and never will. We are not wine drinkers, but we both like a cocktail or spirits, so most days by the pool I had a mojito, and at evenings I would have a JD and coke, with Mr T having a gin and tonic – until one night where he had far too many, and crawled into the room at 5:30 am, after that he moved on to the beer. So I learned that the odd drink doesn’t affect me, and I will probably have one or two at home sometimes now too. (And Mr T learned that there is such a thing as too much gin and tonic)

I ventured out. A little.

There isn’t a huge amount to explore in Agadir, but there are a lot of shopping opportunities and a beautiful beach and promenade. Mr T had mentioned a few times that he wanted to walk down the prom, so eventually, I agreed it was a good idea, and I did enjoy it really. It was very hot, there wasn’t really anything around, I didn’t really like the guys trying to force you to buy stuff on the side of the path, and having to constantly say ‘no thank you’ every 10 seconds. BUT on the walk back, we decided to walk along the beach and stroll in the sea – I think this was my favourite thing that we did on the holiday, the sea was so soothing on my hot feet, the sand was soft and comfy to walk on and Mr T held my hand the whole way – and didn’t push me into the sea. A total win. I genuinely enjoyed myself on this walk and wished we had done it again.

We didn’t fight. Honest.

And that’s the truth. The whole week we didn’t argue once, which I was pretty shocked about as I am really hard work. Don’t get me wrong, I was still pretty hard work, my anxieties didn’t disappear because I was in a warm country, but I don’t think I ever raised my voice, argued or looked for something to moan about while we were away. And I haven’t since we’ve been home either if I’m honest, it seems that I really needed to get away with Mr T and spend some time together, without the pooches and cats, where we have conversations without having to shout “Bella!” in the middle of a sentence.


But It Wasn’t All Roses


The first problem I had happened on the plane. Turns out, I’m a nervous flyer, which I hadn’t been before, so that was nice and new. We got on the plane, my pulse got faster, Mr T noticed and asked what’s up, I said: “oh I’m a bit nervous and I don’t think I like this”. After about an hour I was still very tense, Mr T tried to help by saying “imagine if the Pilot fell asleep!” – I have no idea what he was thinking, and from the look I gave him I think he realised that was the wrong tactic. After that, he was really supportive and attentive, good ol’ Mr T, always comes through in the end.

My anxieties reared their head in a normal way throughout the holiday, resulting in a few days spent on the balcony or in the hotel room (although one of those days was because Mr T was feeling worse for wear after his gin & tonic filled night). Spending time surrounded by people, even when I don’t talk to them, is exhausting for me, I don’t know why and I can’t really explain it, but I am someone who craves alone time. I don’t really like being ‘fussed’ over, or mothered, or even have attention paid to me really, so being around a pool filled with people was draining every day. It was nice to get back to the room and relax every night, but Mr T is kind of the opposite, he loved the sun and wanted to sit by the pool every day and didn’t seem all that bothered by the people – although I know he was feeling his own set of (unfounded) insecurities.

My personal space/touch issues didn’t go away just because I was on holiday. I still had issues about being touched, I still had problems sharing a bed with a snore-machine (although surprisingly he wasn’t all that bad!) and I still had those moments where I just wanted to be home. But they weren’t all the time and they only got harder to manage the closer our flight home got, so this is a good lesson to learn from. Remember that these issues are still apparent, even in a romantic setting, and that I still need to manage them, no matter where I am.

I got home sick. Or puppy-sick is probably more exact, every day I said, “I miss the dogs”, and I really did. When you aren’t having human children, your fur-babies are all you have, and they are as important to me as I would imagine your human babies are to you (and you can scoff all you like, but it’s true.) I face-timed my mum three times while she was with the dogs so I could see them, she was only here three days, and my brother doesn’t have a smartphone, otherwise, I would have seen them every day because I loved seeing their little faces. I missed them so much my heart hurt – seriously, it did. Mr T? He missed them, but he was glad of the break from them too haha!


Going Again?


Yes.

In spite of the nervous flying problem, which I have found is all based on control and trust. I don’t like the fact that I’m not flying the plane – although how ridiculous would it be if I was flying the plane?! And I’m having to put my trust into the pilot, whom I have never met, nor seen, which is a huge thing to do really, I have to trust that the pilot can handle any kind of situation coming our way. And when you have the major trust issues that I have, that is a huge ask! But on the way home I kept reminding myself that all I was worried about was this, and not the turbulence, or dying, or crashing, it was asking myself to trust this pilot-man and give him control over my life that was causing me the stress. It genuinely really helped and I was much more relaxed on the way home.

Even facing all the anxieties and missing the puppy’s so much, we will be going again. We will be going to this hotel again, I am now comfortable here and it’s a good start to build my confidence in travelling, working on my anxieties around new people and taking some time for myself and Mr T to play games and reconnect away from the bills, work and puppy-poo.


So that was my holiday, and I am very much looking forward to going again! (a surprise to you and me both!)

Until next time my beauts, remember keep fighting!

3 thoughts on “Holidays & Anxiety

  1. I’ve been reading your posts for a while and totally relate. I’ve had anxiety my whole life and since I had the kids it has been a million times worse. I’m a terrible traveller. Last year we went to New York and I spent the entire time worrying about the flight home and ‘what if I get ill while I’m away’… I couldn’t wait to get home, even though I enjoyed it in retrospect.

    The one thing which I have learned through my years of therapy is you must do the things that scare you. Imagine it like riding a rollercoaster over and over again, by the 20th time it’s not scary any more. Things lose their scariness pretty quickly. The feeling of accomplishment is worth much more than that feeling of ‘I avoided something today again because it scares me’. Aim to do something every day which scares you, then at the end of the day congratulate yourself on it. I do it, I say ‘I went to Tesco on my own today and didn’t have a panic attack at the checkout – I’m amazing’. It sounds weird, but it’s a lot better than beating yourself up over every tiny perceived failure. Try it for a week!

    Xxx

    1. Awe thanks for reading 😊

      Travelling is stressful at any time, and I think with anxiety it’s just added pressure. But I’m with you, I was stressed during the week and kind of stopped myself doing stuff, but I did really enjoy it.

      That’s really good advice! I literally don’t do any shopping at all from fear of anxiety attacks, I wait in the car and Mr T goes in to Tesco. I do need to work on the little things, I’m going to try that this week! 👍🏻 xxx

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