Hello my lovelies
First off I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas (if you celebrate) and a great New Year. Not going to lie, I was asleep by 10 pm on New Year’s Eve, I’m not one for drinking or crowds of people. Still, it was good!
Sorry about that…
Apologies as I’ve been a bit MIA from this blog recently and I’ve also taken a break from social media, the reasons for this are a pretty simple. The winter is a pretty bad time for me, my depressions become worse and the nights get darker – I’m like a living Edgar Allen-Poe poem… So in a bid to remain a little bit sane and not suffer the breakdown that I have for the past couple of years, I have given up social media and the whole ‘social media’ life/comparison game.
Fighting yourself sucks…
I could feel myself slipping and losing sight of the tools that my counsellor gave me last January, take a step back, don’t be so self-critical, realise that not everyone is ‘happy’ and think before you react. So what’s happened now is that I have ‘cleaned’ out my social followers, I no longer follow people just for a nosy. This is silly and actually quite damaging, I maybe following people just to see what they are doing with their life and to compare my own, so when they pop up smiling, happy and delirious with their fantastic job, stunning house and model husband, I look at my lot and think “God, what am I going to show that I am that happy?” What a bunch of bullshit. Because I am happy. And I am also sometimes not happy, and I am sometimes angry and very hard to live with, and so is Mr T. This does not take away from the fact that we are happy and pretty content. But when in a state of mind that isn’t particularly healthy and generally overly self-critical, this isn’t what I see around me. I tend to see a very unhappy husband, and he’s unhappy because I make him that way, because I’m pretty unbearable most of the time. I look in the mirror and see someone who is very unhappy and trapped with no idea how I got there or how to get out, so I see all these happy and smiling people, with their ‘perfect’ life and fancy days out… and my life is going to shit around me.
That is probably the hardest thing of all, as I’ve said before I’m sure, that you are consistently fighting yourself, your own brain is your worst enemy when you have this way of thinking. I tend to think of the worst things, then convince myself that I’m being ridiculous but then question why I think I’m being ridiculous and that worst scenario is as likely to happen as anything else in this world. And so the circle goes on.
I’ve mentioned schemas before, and that circle is the biggest schema I have really. That I try to convince myself everything is okay, and all I’m doing is convincing myself, it isn’t real and everything is really going to shit. Is that confusing? It’s confusing for me too, and God only knows what it’s like for Mr T who just deals with the fall out of it all and having no idea where it’s coming from!
I think I know why this schema started when things went a bit sideways for me it was totally out of the blue. One day I just had 60 phone call while walking out of work and that was it, life changed forever. Nothing has ever been the same since and it won’t ever be. And neither will I. Sometimes people say to me “oh you’re getting back to the old you” or “you’re sounding more like the old you”. Well no, actually I don’t because that ‘old me’ doesn’t exist anymore because I will never be that carefree again, I will always be weighed down and stressed out.
But now four years on I’m learning how to control it all a little. So coming from social media, taking away the pressure of how many ‘likes’ a post has, or who has liked the posts, or who looks happiest, is a huge relief for me. Breaking the habit is actually quite hard, hiding the apps in a remote folder on the phone, and stopping myself from just opening it to scroll through the pages when I’m bored. But I am managing and I think that posting funny things or something that I want to share is okay, but scrolling through and becoming increasing depressed is not okay.
It’s only been a week since I have stopped myself and I can feel a difference, I also pay attention to things more as I’m not mindlessly staring at my phone screen and ignoring everything around me. I can feel my mood uplifting slightly and enjoying conversations more, so it seems to be working at the moment.
That’s it really, I don’t have a story or a great moaning revelation for this blog. Just a general ‘mind dump’ I think and explaining my absence. My house is almost fully decorated and I’m planning on doing a virtual tour of the newly decorated house in total so it’s all on record for me in years to come – also just to show it off a little as Mr T has worked his butt off to make it look so awesome!
Until next time you beautiful people!