There’s a story in my life that is never told. It can never be told in full. But what I can say is that it’s like this dark cloud that follows me around.
When I look back at my life it has been uneventful, nothing out of the ordinary has really happened, but everything has a haze over it and it’s filled with anxiety and stress.
Now, I’m filled with anxiety, stress and anger. I lash out at those closest to me because I think it’s the only way to defend myself from the possibility of being hurt. If I cause the bad situation it hurts less than if something happens to me.
There are two people in your life that you can trust no matter who you are, we are all born knowing this. But when one of those people betrays you and the other (through no fault of their own) is incapable of helping you, something inside you breaks. And it’s not fixable, it’s not like a slight fracture, it’s a break, and you spend the rest of your life pretending to the outside world that everything is okay. You laugh with your friends, smile and share little details with your closest people. But in reality, you know deep down, somewhere in the dark core of your soul that you’re broken.
The reason I am so brash, so temperamental, so utterly broken is because of this deep-seated fear of being left alone. This is called a ‘schema’ in my counselling, and everyone has them, even you, who is probably not as messed up as me, will have them. We find that we tend to fulfill these schema’s in different ways, we seek out someone who will help us repeat that cycle and if we don’t and are lucky enough to find our own Mr T’s (who is probably the most understanding person in the world), then we will create situations and thought patterns to fulfill our schemas.
So really, even though someone else broke me, my biggest problem is my own mind trying to repeat that situation. Desperately wanting to be loved and fixed, but just as desperately trying to tear it down and find a way to fulfil my schema and be proven right. I think, for me, the hardest part of it all is feeling one way and acting another, knowing people don’t really see me but the ‘other’ me because for reasons I can’t fathom my brain won’t let me be in my speech. That is why I write, why I share deeply personal feelings in such a public setting because it seems to be the only place that I can change this cycle, that I can make my real voice heard. And I still may come across attention seeking, needy, begging for your approval and that scares me, that people think those things, but really when I’m putting this for everyone to see and saying how damaged I am, how can they not think those things? (oo look a schema at work!)
Let’s not let the schema’s win. Fight every day, even if it’s your own mind, to stay constant and beat the cycle.
Always Keep Fighting.