A little bit of a moan today guys and dolls…
So I guess I’m feeling all emotional today, I’m far more sensitive than I have been for a while and I think it has to do with a few a things. One being hormones, but isn’t that just a female excuse? Yes, because it’s the easiest thing for me blame all my issues on, hormones, depression, anxiety, daddy issues… all that jazz. But when I boil it down, I’m just bloody fed up.
I’m fed up of feeling like I’m useless, I know for a fact that I have it much easier than a lot of people out there. I have had a cyst removed from my back, I ended up with an 8cm long and 8cm deep hole in my back. This has crazily affected my life in so many ways, I literally can’t even shower properly – I have to wrap myself in cling film, let that horrible visual settle in for a second and then feel sorry for Mr T! It’s now been 8 weeks since my operation, I was originally told I would be fine after 4 days… imagine how I am currently feeling after going to the district nurses every day for the past 8 weeks, to be told that I probably have ANOTHER 8 weeks ahead of me. Now, this might not be the case, and it may only be 6…
Yeah, another 6 fucking weeks (sorry for the swearing…not really, I’m pissed off). Now as I said, I know that I am not as bad as others. However I can’t sit comfortably, I can’t shower properly, I can’t walk my dogs, I can’t lift anything heavy than a bag of crisps (yay for crisps though!), it hurts to walk up the stairs, get off the couch and I am pretty much in constant achiness, with a slight hint of pressure. Yeah, that’s a real thing. Trust me.
So this post is kind of a self-pitying one because I am fed up, I am fed up of seeing people succeed in their fitness goals, seeing a community carry on without me and basically ignore me, while I recover and generally feel left out and alone. This isn’t their fault, it’s a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and I voluntarily left the closed groups, the public groups and even unfriended a few people. This is all childish and silly, but I couldn’t stand seeing how much everyone was improving, not being a part of something that I was so involved in, and generally just feeling like a big fat (literally) failure, while everyone moved on and has become closer, happier and stronger. It sucks. It’s selfish. It’s childish. And right now I couldn’t give a rats arse, because I’m struggling to even get out of bed every morning, physically as well as emotionally. No one has asked how I am, no one has asked about my operation, and this kind of proved how fake it all really is – or how it fake it currently feels, maybe due to my over-sensitiveness.
One good thing that has come out of this ‘cold shoulder’ approach that I feel is that I have realised how fucking needy I really am. I used to, and still do probably, proclaim at how self-sufficient I was, how I don’t care what people think, how independent I am, ask Mr T I really did. And now I’ve realised what a crock of shit I was talking, I am so needy I’m like a 10-year-old shouting “you stole my best friend” across the playground, yeah that needy and insecure. I am a 28 (nearly 29) year old woman, with a husband, a house, a fantastic job, generally kick arse friends, and yet I care so much what other people are doing without me that I feel left out, delete the accounts and nose around, all while having a tight chest and wanting to cry. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
You know whose validation I don’t take into consideration? Mr T’s. How messed up am I? My husband tells me, every day, how amazing I am, how beautiful I am, how I don’t need to change because he loves me just the way I am. And it washes off me like water off a duck. And I don’t know why I don’t just listen to him, he’s bloody fantastic! He never ‘leaves me out’ or ignores me, he struggles to understand me, but always makes the effort and is always there, yet I ignore his opinions of me. Has anyone got an answer to this? Anyone?
So this was a rant about how shitty I feel, how I now know how needy I am and how a place that was once safe, is not longer that. I left on a day that was pretty bad for me, called out and felt like a tit, and I haven’t been back, and after the way, I feel now I don’t think I am strong enough to. So what does that mean for me? Surgery? Possibly – an ongoing discussion with Mr T, and a post for another time.
But for now, I am stuck sitting on my sofa in a constant state of irritableness and slight twinges of pain when I move – or a dog jumps on me, which happens a lot. Oh yeah, I also fell in the shower and bruised all my feet, because I’m a clumsy oaf, let’s add to the list of things I am annoyed about, shall we?
I’ll calm down in 10 minutes, but I’m still annoyed, mainly with myself that I crave so much attention. Please tell me someone else feels exactly the same thing, at some point in their life? I can’t be a-lone freak in this attention seekingness…
Until Next Time My Beauts!