Hi guys and dolls!
This post is a little deep, a lot of rambling crap and just a little attention seeking (sorry about the swear words…)
So I’m now 28 and have realised that come 17th August I’ve been married for 3 years. 3 fucking years! Where has that time gone?
Before Mr T and I entered into so-called wedded bliss there were a few family issues, nothing that I will be discussing (sorry) but these family issues resulted in me having a kind of quiet mental breakdown, something that not even I was aware of at the time. If you’ve read my previous post about my wedding day then you’ll sort of understanding what I’m jibbering about.
This very quiet mental breakdown basically resulted in me distancing myself from the man I was marrying. Which is heartbreaking I know, but it happened.
I guess I need to talk about what Mr T is actually like for you to understand how hideous of a human being I’ve felt for a very long time. He’s pretty much perfect, this isn’t to say that he doesn’t annoy me, he leaves his boxers on the floor, wet towels on the bed, has the worst memory of anyone I know, snores like a train and consistently loses his inhaler. That being said, he does all the cooking in the house, when he isn’t home for tea he makes sure I have something in that I can easily make or heat up. He does most of the washing, he cleans the dishes and pretty much never says the word ‘no’ when I ask for something. Including making me a cuppa or a bowl of cereal at 11 pm, after a long day of work. He’s probably the most considerate person, who loves very deeply. So you get the picture right? I’m pretty darn lucky.
And then there’s me.
Pretty selfish, incredibly lazy and a monumental winge bag. And while we were going through the best day of our life, living in the harmony period of our wedding, I was sitting in a little room in my brain all self-involved and moody. I lashed out, I shouted, I said horrible things and I couldn’t control it. Mr T took the brunt of what was an awful mental breakdown, and he did it with cuddles and love, he never shouted back or called me unreasonable. He just took it in his stride.
A year of change
I completed an intense counselling course to help me deal with deep rooted issues. I’ve found out that I possibly have a medical condition called Lipoedema, which prevents me from losing weight. And I’ve recently had back surgery, which has left an 8cm open wound in my back that will heal over the next 4 weeks (it’s been 5 weeks since the operation). All this doesn’t seem connected, but it is.
The deep rooted issues are obvious, trust and no validation for being myself (through no fault of anyone), has left me with a nasty voice in my head and a deep need to be liked and to be told so. Finding out, as a plus size person, that I may never lose the weight I have so long wanted to (while working out 3 days a week) was incredibly hard. But it forced me to look at the body I have, and learn to not only live in it but love it (as cheesy as that is).
And my operation has meant I have spent more time at home than I have in a long time, and more time with Mr T than I have in years. We spent a week at home together, 7 whole days, and we didn’t have one argument, you have no idea how massive achievement that is. He has taken care of me so well since my operation, helping me to get dressed (including putting my socks on!), getting in and out of bed, as well as even dying and washing my hair for me. All with a smile on his face and big cuddle to make me feel better when I’m in pain. Over this last 5 weeks, I have realised how happy he makes me, how well we work together and how much fun we have. It was the fun that I had lost, and I made him lose over the past 3 years.
So to sum up, what have I learnt?
That the first 3 years of our marriage were tough, and we made it through them by talking honestly and a lot of patience on Mr Ts part. And that although Mr T loves me, it was important to learn about myself and get to know my own mind and body before I could realise that he truly does love me. And that fun, silliness and bickering is who we are, we are happy and every relationship is different. Don’t try to emulate what people around you have, you are unique and so is your love.
So as cheesy as all that sounds, it is true. I haven’t really learnt all that much about marriage, but I have learned a thing or two about myself and how we fit together. See attention seeking!
(also doing this post I realised we don’t have any recent pictures together, I will change this)
Never pretend to be something you’re not, beauty only happens when you learn to be yourself…
Much Love ❤️