(a little self realisation)
So the title probably brought you here, how can someone hate their wedding day I hear you scream?! (That is if anyone actually reads this, I’m pretending no one does for my own sanity right now)
So let me clarify, hating my wedding day does not mean I am not a happily married person, I am, I am glad we got married. Mr T is pretty damn perfect – that’s bloggers talk for just like every other husband out there, drives me round the effing bend on a daily basis but does enough good things to keep him in my good books, I’m a lucky woman, but he’s also a lucky guy.
There are many reasons why I hated my wedding day, I was not comfortable in my dress and only bought it because my mum loved it and I didn’t know what I wanted. I wasn’t in a good place mentally at all, I had no idea how to be me. And when you don’t know how to be you, you can’t really make your own decisions, you emulate what other people want to keep them happy. This is not anyone’s fault, this was the situation.
Everything Around Me
I hand made pretty much everything, which sounds lovely and I do think they look good, but I would have rather had a professional print them than my shabby stamp and glue job.
The Real Reason
I was the centre of attention. This is the main reason, the big reason. Now if you know me (horrified you are reading this) that will come as a surprise, I hate to be forced into the lime light. I am that fat girl who is loud, probably comes off as obnoxious and irritating to everyone around her. (I apologise if you do know me.) I will often put myself at the centre of attention, and inside I am curling up and dying because I want to be in a corner and ignored. That is a massive contradiction. Having been through intense counselling for 6 months, I’m aware that I am full of these, it is a problem. Now on my wedding day everyone in the room was looking at me, it was horrible, I didn’t want to have conversations with people, I didn’t want a million photos and I didn’t want to be looked at! But I was the Bride and that’s what happens.
How I Realised This
Something happened today, I was joking around and making myself the centre of attention, literally in a group of people at the front being a dick. And then the tables turned, and I was made the centre of attention. I instantly got uncomfortable, defensive and upset. And just to clarify again, I was in a group of people who I know quite well, and are lovely, friendly and non-judgemental. But that is not how I felt. I felt like I was back on my Wedding Day, forced to be okay when deep down I wasn’t. I routinely had to practice breathing excersies to stop from bolting out the door for cover. And really there was nothing wrong at all, it was all in good humour, laughing and still working hard.
So why did I react like this when I consistently put myself, willingly, in the lime light? Because I then had no choice, just like my Wedding Day, I couldn’t shrink into the corner if I chose to.
There is no real conclusion to this, there’s no eureka moment here. This is how my mind reacts to situations, and it’s silly and disproportionate to what the circumstances are. I was not being judged, I was not being made fun of in the heads of the people around me, I was not being pointed at or laughed at. Just like my Wedding Day, I was not being laughed at then, I was being loved by my family and Mr T’s family.
It is my own problems with my self-worth, I am not worthy, I am not enough as I am for these people, I need to be more. And when I am called out for trying to be more, I am exposed for the fraud I am. And that’s the hurt, embarrassment and shame that I am not enough.
I Am Okay
And that’s it. Don’t worry I’m not having a mental breakdown, I think it is important to talk about this, for my mental health. I’ve said before this is kind of my diary, my extra therapy. A safe place behind a keyboard (or phone).
And the best thing to come out of my Wedding Day? I became Mrs T. Something I will be eternally thankful for.
Much love xx